Archive for May, 2014

Do you have integrity?



adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
The above was lifted from Which, incidentally, is one of the first apps I download when I get a new phone. I could happily spend hours flicking through interesting words I pick up in conversation, only to switch to the thesaurus in order to figure out what the they mean.
**True statement alert**
The above comment has been deemed 100% accurate by Mr. M D Thomas and fully acknowledges that it makes him look a twat.
Would you say you’re forthright and honest? Are you virtuous? I’d like to think I am and that my friends are fully aware that given sugar I turn into a dribbling idiot but one with morals and a bizarre set of principles.
Right, seeing as I’m being pious, I’ll come clean. In order I’d not look a right chopper I searched for ‘list of virtues’ in the best known search engine. You know the big G. Yep, you got it! Google. The company that didn’t shy away from such brazen product placement that was found in the fully awesome film The Internship.
You’d have to ask Catherine if the film was any good because after 30 minuets I ran face first into the wall to stop the torment, but believe me when I say what little I saw was complete crap. It made the fractured skull, the seventeen stitches in my forehead and rectal examination worth while, if I’m honest. The only thing I wish was that the nurse didn’t have such thick fore arms as I still can’t sit down without wincing.
**LIE ALER…Okay, enough of that crap. The above statement wasn’t completely true…but the film IS to be avoided.
Where on earth am I going with this? God only knows. God, what’s he got to do with integrity?!?! Please do not get me on  mind control…religion, please! (Stay focused Matthew. You can do this!!)
To brush up on my virtues I first searched the web and came up with this.
I’ll be honest with you, my mind wandered after about five seconds of reading the list but at least I knew my arse from my elbow.
Guys, guys, I’m one step ahead of you. Not only am I the worse editor of my own work but I have a plan. No, no I don’t and to be honest that might explain (and computer games) why I’m not as productive as I could/would/should be.
On a serious note, both Catherine and myself place an awful amount of emphasis on honesty within the family in the hope the kids will learn from out lead. In truth I don”t always tell the truth, who does? I say I can’t lie but I can, I just choose to avoid doing so whenever possible. Luke, my son, is so very honest and implicitly knows right from wrong, good from bad. Lilly is…well, Lilly is just plain cunning – and extremely charming, mustn’t forget charming.
The reason I sat down to write this is although I avoid the tabloids like washing the car, I love sport. All to often (everyday) I end up on It was while browsing I read a story that made my blood boil. You guessed it, it’s the one about the Manchester City player Yaya Toure. Wow, does he or does he not have his head firmly jammed up his backside, or what? Affirmative!

After gobbing off he’s now protesting his innocence, saying this latest out burst isn’t to secure a pay rise, just like Rooney did a while back. No, it’s because Manchester City only gave him a cake on his birthday and not a car like Roberto Carlos received. Get a grip, it’s not like your chuffing destitute and have to walk to work. No, hell no, he get’s paid two hundred and twenty thousand pounds a week! The poor little sausage. Well smash my face in with my own foot because in under two weeks he’d easily be able to buy our house and have enough left over to fix the frigging garage roof and sort out the dog damaged garden!


Integrity, so of us have it and other don’t.




#table tennis #AstroTurf.

It’s official, grass is shit.

So that may not be the most eloquent way to start a blog but when you’ve a limited grasp of reality, you say it as you see it. My peeve is with mowing the lawn. I don’t much like doing it and surely I can’t be the only carbon based life form that feels the same? I mean really, what is their to like?! You drag the crusty old mower out of the garage, then spend an hour or more mincing up and down the garden trying to make pretty lines.


Maybe it’s not grass, maybe its the mower? After all without grass there’d be no cricket, football or rugby. No forget what I just said. It isn’t the grass nor the mower – even though it winds me up when it decides its had enough and packs up for five minuets – it’s the speed in which the grass grows.

The average English summer is often punctuated by showers and occasional sunny outbursts. In this time my back garden all too quickly turns into a wild botanical habitat in which you can easily loose a child for a week. When this happens not only am I forced to drag out the mower but I have to dust off the bloody strimmer as well.  


Picture to prove.



Never fear, I have the solution. AstroTurf. It’s a miracle of modern plastic and…stuff. No longer is AstroTurf’s only purpose to shear skin from 5-aside footballers daft enough to slide tackle. No, it’s a modern solution to an age old problem. 


Wow, what a head turning, trend setting blog topic that is. That’s sure to get the readers flocking to read about grass… Keep with me though, the fart gags are a coming.


Look at this guy, he is amazing.


If you’re not impressed by that then you have no soul. 

So, peace be with thee, etc, and later.





Weaponise my little darlings? What in the name of Crom is he wibbling about!?!

Well, my avid readers ever eager for my worldly wisdom and lashings of tomfoolery, what am I talking about? I’m talking about the scourge of humanity, the end of days and the hammer of damnation; I’m referring to the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!

Are you safe? Do you think you’re ready, do you?? Well, we at the Thomas foundation are…ish.

Okay, some of you might now be thinking I’ve misplaced my keen sense of reality, but no!! I have proof the undead are set to rise from their graves and suck the brains through your nose!! Am I mad? No, not at all. After all the medication following the accident has all but stopped the twitching episodes g@F:Freggggggg..fg,.s’GSD..fg… Well, almost.

Watch this dude on YouTube. Not only is he really entertaining, but he is while I’m typing he’s developing weapons with which to counter the legions of undead!!

Another defensive stalwart is this next guy. While he might only be honing his zombie take down on line, at least he’s preparing. I urge you to watch this guy as he is really amusing and who knows, you might learn something that may save your life.

If you’re still with me this far then I know what you’re thinking, but you’d be wrong. I’ve not been at the cat litter again (it gets stuck in my teeth) and I packed up drinking along time ago when I got married; obviously…


My contribution to the cause is that of chief weapon smith – I made all the swords, etc – and have taken it upon myself to temper my prodginy! Currently I have both my kids on a grueling close combat training regime designed to maximize both body count and survive-ability come judgement day. It makes Krav Maga training look like a toe nail painting seminar.


Firstly I burred them without food or water for three days and nights in the back garden. While they ‘endured’, I made them eat all their vegetables and flogged them with the socks, pants and other items of clothing they constantly leave strewn about their bedrooms.  While this might sound barbaric to some, I needed to know if they have the metal to complete the training. You’ll be happy to know they both passed with flying colours!


Subject: Lilly Thomas. Code name ‘The pink bulldozer’.





Lilly in mid attack. The training dummy didn’t stand a chance.


Judging by the unbridled savagery in Lilly’s eyes, it seems my draconian methods worked. Biting, of which she as taken to, isn’t allowed. During the last two weeks of boot-camp, I’d like a pound for every time she’s sunk her teeth into me. My fingers, arms, face and back are a patchwork testament to not only Lilly’s jaw strength but her inability to follow simple instructions! She is whirling dervish and thus a work in progress.


Subject: Luke Thomas. Code name ”Hair helmet”.



Luke, being gentler by nature, was harder to train I struggled for days trying to find his inner ungowa! Who’d have thought a child with no volume control would take to espionage like a window licker to a green-house! Once he mastered the art of camouflage their was no stopping him!! Now I dare not wander the house at anytime without the means to protect myself for fear he’ll strike with blinding speed and deadly accuracy.

So, The Thomas foundation are ready. Are you?





PS, next project…home made ballistic weapons!!