Bloke-o-meter. 

 

Ampere-o-meter-vintage-HDR-0h

 

This couldn’t be easier. First you answer these six simple qualifying questions, then tot up your score and wham, you’ll know if you’re a bloke or not.

 

Pay careful attention, this is the important bit. Here is the scoring chart. A = no points, B = minus 1 and C = plus 1.

 

1# Do you know any of the words from Frozen?

 

A – Kind of, my daughter loves nothing more than belting out the chorus the moment she opens her eyes in the morning.

B – Hell yeah, I love it. I even have a Frozen onesie.

C – Fuck no. I’d sooner take a screw driver to my man parts!

 

2# If you don’t currently have facial hair, why not?!?! 

 

A – While I look good with a beard, work gets in the way and I’m forced shave.

B – Shave of course I do. How else would the triple formula moisture intensive balm work its way into my baby soft skin?

C – Shave, you’re shitting me, right? Without my beard/generous stubble, I’d not be able to wrestle bears, wrangle gators or dig tunnels with my top lip!! Come near me with a razor and you’ll leave a woman.

 

3# Do you feel a sense of pride when dropping your guts?

 

A – Sometimes I do; just not in public.

B – Fart, oh no, not me. I try to hold it in and should any accidents happen, my apple blossom scented boxer short liner takes care of it.

C – First you hold and clench, then you squat and when the pressure has built up to critical mass, you let go. Don’t mistake those wrinkles faces as signs of disapproval, hell no, its awe, they are in awe of you abilities.

 

4# You’re stranded, can you map read and get yourself to safety?

 

A – You’d think being ex-army I should be able to but I wasn’t too good at it. But, yeah, I reckon I’d be able to find my way…eventually.

B – Three little letters for you; G…P…S. Stands for go phone someone, no?

C – Using a map is like loosing an arm wrestle to a girl; it cannot be allowed to happen!! I don’t need a map, the tonne of buckshot lodged in my head always leads me north.

 

 

5# Do you read?

 

A – I do so at work, spread sheets, performance forecasts, etc.

B – Of course I do. I love Vogue and all the other glossy publications. Who’d have thought baby powder sorts out oily hair.

C – Yes, I read extensively. You’d be forgiven (barely) for thinking blokes don’t read. We have to. The world only spins on its current access due to the combined cognitive energies given out by qualified blokes.

 

6# Offside rule, do you know it?

 

A – Kind of, although I’d be hard pressed to write it down accurately.

B – Offside? Offside of what? Isn’t that when the tanning bed doesn’t give you a full 360 glow?

C – Not only do I know the offside rule implicitly, I also know when a ruck is formed. Ask dumb questions again and expect a trip to the emergency dentist.

 

Judgment time…

 

If you scored 1 or 2 then shame on you. You are are a woosy.

 

If you hit 3 or 4 then you’re a regular, so go roll naked in nettles to upgrade.

 

Flex those guns in celebration if you managed to hit 5 or 6. Well done son, you’re a proper bloke!

 

Matt..

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