Lilly’s battle face…quake in fear!


Okay, this started for my daughter but quickly got out of hand…

The battle of the nine-spans.

Banjo the tongue-less toad who lived at the bottom of Fudge Lake, needed urgent help.

Above, at the surface, Banjo could hear Mike, Mikey, Mick, Michael and Mikael…the five flies of the apocalypse circling menacingly.

Who within the nine-spans could save him?

Neither his friend Carl-Paul Tunnel, the mole man, who’d yet to be released from rehab due to his tapeworm addiction, nor Maximilian Kidney who’d been sent to prison until next Wednesday for organ trafficking, could be counted upon.

With his options seeming limited, Banjo wept in despair. Then suddenly it hit him. He cried out at as loud as his scuba equipment would allow, ‘Lilly ‘the whirling dervish’ Thomas.’

Lilly who’d been completely exonerated of all wrong doing by the Council of Spam with regards to the abduction of Little Bo-Peep-Shows gyrating sheep, had been given back her tinsel spurs and could often be seen at the sweaty-pit pub in grotty hollow where she worked as a bouncer.

Knowing she’d surely help, Banjo rejoiced by quaffing a pint of fresh slug slurm.

Regardless of work commitments – for it was free-drink-Friday down at the sweaty-pit – Banjo’s twitching hair lip told him she’d surely help.

And help she did!

Lilly arrived upon a Stilton rainbow riding upon Crab-apple her crusty French bread unicorn.

Lilly met Banjo sunning his buttocks upon his favourite mat of flotsam and without a word being said she knew what was needed of her.

Digging in her heels Lilly spurred Crab-apple towards the horizon and headed for Adrian Dobb’s hide out. The creeper king had gone too far this time.

The battle was long and brutal and almost completely needless. Before Adrien could surrender, Lilly stormed his hide out, slaughtering two-thirds of his bread stick army and disembowelled Rhubarb Von-Crumble his trusted desert chef.

‘It was a joke’, cried Adrian but not sufficiently loud enough so Lilly could hear him above her humming diamond sword as she swept aside the last of the bread sticks.

Striding forwards, Lilly, with her spare hand, opened a can of whoop-ass and the explosion of light refracted off her polished diamond armour completely blinding Adrian.

Somewhere at the back of her enraged mind something awoke and just in time she checked her custard splattered blade.

‘Here take it,’ sobbed Adrian, ‘I didn’t mean any harm.’

In his hands he held ‘side-swipe’, Banjo’s trust fly swatter. For Banjo was keeper of peace and needed it to fight off the five flies of the apocalypse and restore order to the nine-spans. One day Banjo would win back his tongue from Mr. Cleavage and together he and Lilly would uncover the truth behind the fridge!!

Jesus, what is wrong with me?!


Ps, I only put ‘urgent’ so someone might read it…