Archive for May, 2016


*** SPOILER ALERT – SPOILER ALERT ***

 

This weeks GoT was a most interesting bag, no? Well this is what I saw…

 

**Disclaimer…this is long winded as fuck and full of foul language. You wankers have been warned.**

 

Right, I’m going to be honest and say I’d completely forgotten who the fuck Benjen Stark was but after doing a little digging, I now do. As for what else went on, well, here are the main movers. Margaery’s now a bat-shit crazy God botherer: Arya’s bitten the hand that fed her, The Mother of Dragons now has an even bigger arsed army at her disposal, Gilly showed Sam what a pair of testicles are for and the High Sparrow’s up to something…

 

Benjen, Bran and the frozen northerns.

 

I doubt I’m alone in thinking Benjen Stark looked like a frost bitten sack of shit? At a glance I thought he was just a bit haggard, a bit shagged out looking, bit I changed my tune immediately given his somewhat creepy ethereal look. Was I the only one that thought he had an odd purplish tint to his pale as fuck face? Might I was hallucinating, I’d just eaten a bowl of home made popcorn and sugar tends to send me loopy. Regardless whether my over active sugar fuelled imagination was playing tricks on me, I thought something fishy, most likely magical, was afoot.

After ‘refreshing‘ my memory as to who Benjen was, I was somewhat confused as to whether he’d be a new major character or not. Having given it some though, I don’t think he will be. This is in part due to what he said about the three eyed raven telling him Bran needed help – singles him out as a lackey – and not having been mentioned since the first series. Honestly think he’s pretty much Hodor 2.0; although shorter, with a greater vocabulary and far less of a crayon eating fuckwit.

My suspicions with regards to magic were confirmed, as Benjen, like the Night King, had had a shard of dragonglass driven into his heart. Unlike the Night King, however, this was to stave off Benjen becoming a mindless Wight, not make him an undead wanker.

Fire was the main theme echoed in Bran’s vision, so it wasn’t too surprising to see Bran’s rescuer – Benjen before he’d revealed himself – to be twating undead with a flaming flail. Yes, I know they’re all related but I’m pretty sure their paths will cross Jon’s soon enough. Why? Glad you asked. Melisandre – the red woman – resurrected Jon and serves the fire god. See, fire again. While Melisandre might just be a complete shit-house – remember she dropped Stannis like a sack of cold crap upon realising he wasn’t The Prince That Was Promised – I don’t think she is that fickle. She’s a true believer in her God. Remember how useless she was when she found out Jon was dead and maybe she’d gotten it all, but how her mood changed when the resurrection worked?

 

Well, here’s my theory…

 

So, we have two Red women in different parts of the land prophesying that both Jon and Daenerys (the forces of fire?) both in some-way serve the fire god. Further down the line, what’s to say the two of them don’t hook up and become an irresistible undead arse kicking duo? Not sure, but it could be.

I did a little looking on-line and found out that ‘The Prince That Was Promised’ might just be a legendary warrior Azor Ahai. I know the White Walkers are immune to regular fire but does that extend to dragon fire, wildfire (the green shit that foiled Stannis’ attack on Kings Landing) or even the fabled flaming sword Lightbringer, which Azor Ahai is said to wield.

 

Margaery’s bat-shit mental and The High sparrow’s a wanker.

 

I’ve decided to cover both Margaery and the sparrow together. I’m lazy and they’re story is entwined.

Either Margaery is a cunning fox – don’t think so – or thanks to the magic mushrooms growing in the corner of her cell, she got completely stoned and found God. Who’d have thought to look for him in her cell? Easy really. Anyway, having gone to the dark side, Margaery has, willingly or otherwise, helped the High Sparrow potentially hatch whatever dastardly plan he could be nurturing. Hatched and Sparrow in the same sentence!! My genius is wasted on you shower of shi…

Focus Matthew! The High Sparrow is a most interesting shit headed villainous type. He’s not as crass as Ramsay – the ‘orrible little bell-end – and as a result is far more interesting and capable of making plans that don’t include cutting people knobs off or feeding people to dogs. Thus far the Sparrow has claimed to be simple spokesperson and unfazed when even remotely threatened. I was most interested in the Godzilla sized u-turn he made that allowed Marge to escape the walk of atonement. Shame, I was hoping to see her hoote…ahem. Also the smirk aimed at Jamie Lainnister hinted he has an ego and thus isn’t as virtuous as he makes out.

I accept that by letting Marge off, the sparrow would have cemented his hold over the impressionable young King, but I can’t ever recall him ever making anything like an concessions in the past. Hell no, he’s allowed all manner of shit to go down and hasn’t once lost his self satisfied grin. That made me think he makes shit up as he sees fit and is nothing but a charismatic scum bag.

Personally I think the high sparrow is a dick and has a wicked plan up his sleeve. I also willing to bet he’s a full on loony and no matter what he does or commands, he’ll justify it as ‘in the name of the lord what’s-his-face’. In short, he wants everyone covered in crap and naked, the dirty old sod.

 

On a completely unrelated note, I miss the Bronn and Tyrion show. They had a great rapport and some of the best dialogue. Pair ’em back up, you wankers!!

 

Oh-er, that’s a big arsed pet lizard you’ve got there, missus. 

 

At last the white haired wonder, AKA Daenerys, might finally stop fucking about, jump on a ferry to the bit of the map with Kings Landing on it – eloquence, it’s my forte…in it – and do something other than flouncing about pretending to give a shit about her subjects.

Daenerys, having united the Dothraki factions, now has a dirty great big army. Will she make a play for the throne? Yeah she will, but I don’t think she’ll a giant chopper about it. Once she’s got through King’s Landing customs and becomes aware the white walkers pose the biggest to her ambitions, she’ll realise she doesn’t have enough barbarians and look for allies. By then I imagine Jon Snow will have united the North and whamo, they’ll pair up. Maybe. Okay, this might never happen, Jon might not like impish platinum blonds and she might think he’s a sulky wanker, but you never can tell.

 

 

**Well done for not having chewed your faces off from the inside out. Believe me, I’m dull in real life. Fuck, my only redeeming qualities are ADHD and my borderline tourettes. Pig-dog, arse crack…wanker, shit-shitty-poo-bum…see, told you so.**

 

Gilly and the big fat fanny.

 

I had high hopes for Sam’s story line. I thought he’d ditch the bint and sprog, leg it to the place where the maester learn stuff and find out all manner of awesome shit that he’d relay back to Jon in an effort to stop the white walkers. But no, the useless lump buggered off back home only to be called a fat twat by his old man over dinner. I so wanted Sam to loose his shit, go full retard, vault the table and drop-kick his father’s head clean off its shoulders. But no, Sam’s head disappeared up his arse so fast he damn near got whiplash. In turn it took Gilly to bail the nonce out. This only confirmed that these characters, to my mind, will have limited air time from now on. However, why did Sam steal his father sword? No way he’ll use it himself, pull the other one. Maybe he’ll give it to someone else?

Who might that be though? Maybe Jon will go all Dornish and start wielding two big arsed swords at once? Maybe big bird – Brienne – might get her ogreish mits on it? I’m willing to be he sells it and use the cash to start a bald donkey sanctuary…or not.

 

Right, I, like you, have had enough for one day. Wait…bollocks, I forgot Arya Stark. Bitch!

 

The girl that has no name and the faceless fuckwits.

 

I’m glad she’s finally see how pointless all this reinventing oneself into a uncaring kill machine really is. We all know that brainwashing doesn’t work, right? I mean it’s not like we live in a capitalistic shit-bag world where everything is designed to stupefy you and have you wanting more, is it? Where we feel compelled to buy pointless shit for no real reason and read meaningless crap because we’re conditioned to do so. Hang on! Fuck off, fuck right off, this blog is okay, right?

Um…where was I?

 

Oh yeah, Arya. I don’t doubt that Arya will kick that moody cowbag’s arse, whom Jaqen has sent to kill her, but you can bet she’ll end up blinded, or severally fucked up in more ways that one. Part of me hope Arya sticks her in the guts with her sword, plants the nut on her, before booting her in the lady parts. What I think will happen, mind, is the staff swinging wench won’t know Arya is a dab hand with needle and will end up hamstrung and cut to ribbons.

 

Think that’s about it. Yay, it is!! Thanks load if you got this fan and see you soon.

 

Regards, Matt..

 

 

I’m currently writing this weeks GoT blog and while my attention wanders – it does frequently and is most friggin’ annoying – I came across this clip.

 

All I can say is, fuck that for a game of soldiers…or even golf.

 

Ah bollocks, seems my IT ineptitude strikes again as I can’t get the URL link to upload. Fuck it, you’ll have to do the hard work of copying the link yourselves.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/monster-alligator-filmed-ambling-around-florida-golf-course-a7057131.html

game_of_thrones_conceptart_UnUf8

Reviews: Game of Thrones – Season 6 Episode 5. 

SPOILER ALERT! This post will contain shit that’ll ruin both your life and Game Of Thrones. You’ve been warned…

 

Still here? Champion! Then I’ll begin.

 

Right, I’m pissed off, massively pissed off. Why? Well, one certain aspect of this weeks GOT was weak as fuck!!! Yes, you heard me straight. I just said GOT is weak as fuck! Well, not all of it, obviously, just one bit. Before you ask, no, I’ve not just shot gunned a 24 crate of red bull, nor have I held my breath until I go all light headed, and yes I know by bitching about GOT, I run the risk of being lynched by a mob of red face angry virgins baying blood. But fuck it, this is how I roll.

 

*Cop-out disclaimer time! I’m a certified twat and a sci-fi/fantasy snob who freely admits to having donned my uber-critical-wanker-hat after discovering that good old George is now writing new and uncharted material. For fuck sake dude, why didn’t you just ask me? Christ, I’m broken in all the right places to dream up plenty ‘o weird arsed content. Before you know it the show would be knee deep in asthmatic tobacco chewing ferrets wanting to turn the throne into a bird bath, while skinning Ramsey for being an bellend.

Am I wrong, however, in understanding  that George has recruited new blood to help his aching bones drag his carcass over the finishing line, or has he been doing that all along? Answers on a post card/post if you cab be arsed. Again George, where was me email? Prick.

As a result of me being an uber-critical chump, I can’t shake this nagging feeling that not only is trying to ruin my viewing pleasure, but worries me they’ll go and balls up all the good work done thus far.

 

Don’t worry, I’m almost at the point where I tell you what I thought was wrong with the episode; chill!

 

White Walkers, they’re white and they, um, walk… Love ’em or hate ’em – and I love ’em – I feel they were criminally under played in this weeks show. I mean what the flying fuck! Their whole back story was encapsulated in a single frigging vision that lasted no more than 20 chuffing seconds! George, I beg you, please for the love of the dragons, sack whomever thought that was okay!!

The Walkers are meant to be the end of days element created by that freaky looking female dryad because she was pissed that bloody Ikea had cut down her hedge, or something like that. I mean get real, the Walkers deserved way more of a build up than a swift shot of her sacrificing some geezer tied to a tree and in turn creating an army with which to fight the encroaching humans. I’ve no problem with the story premise, it’s a nice neat one, but I do have a problem that they didn’t even bother their arses to attempt to engage us on anything other than a visual level. Their was nothing to under pin the plight of the forrest dwellers, nothing. All we got was a half arsed remark from the green-eyed-bint when Bran questioned her. Her response was she’d spawned the shit storm  to protect themselves from Scandinavian loggers. Am I wrong in being this picky? Not sure, but I don’t think so. I totally understand the majority of each series serves only to set up the inevitable blood bath that is the last episode and the occasional curve ball, but unless their is something seriously meaty winging its way to back up the White Walkers creation, then I feel they’ve missed out on a rich theme.

 

Otherwise I’m loving GOT. I have to admit, however, the scene with the guy examining his wang back stage for warts caught me by surprise. But boobies are making a come back and while that is good, I suppose you have to have something for the ladies…even If it was a flaccid lumpy winky.

 

Peace.

 

PS, I get bored proof reading and apologise if nothing I say makes sense.

 

 

 

First things first, a mate of mine said while my last attempt at blogging sounded like me, it lacked a certain something; my personality. What he really meant was I was clearly trying to hard not to offend folks and it didn’t sound right. So, having taken that on board, I’m going to have another crack at blogging and while I’ll try to keep it up for longer than eight weeks this time, I ‘ain’t promising nowt. Don’t think, however, I’m about to start hurling abuse in every direction indiscriminately. No, no I’m not, but what I will do is to rip the piss out of idiots that either are begging for it, or are so far up their own arses that they deserve it.

#tapintoyourinnerwanker

 

What does the above hash tag mean, I hear you ask. Well, it means be true to yourself. My inner wanker loves to laugh, is sometimes cruel, often intellectual and enjoys nothing more than picking and poking fun at himself and others. Saying that I’m not a total wanker, mind you.

 

Topic for today – friendship.

 

I’m a good friend, I think. Well, I’m a good person so surely that translates into being a good mate? Fucking ought to. Oh yeah, I’ll be swearing a whole lot more this time around. So if you’re easily offended, piss off and play with your dolls somewhere else.

 

This feels good, you wankers!

 

Topic Matthew! Right, where was I? Ah yes, I’m a good friend and in the interests of impartiality I’ll beg/bribe some of me mates to pipe up and give you their opinions.

 

I recently worked with a bloke whom I became good friends with – although the prick has just left the store and is now dead to me…I’m joking, ffs. Much to my surprise and delight, he’s almost as scathing a cunt as me – which is an achievement that ought to get the both of us arrested. The point to today’s blog is when is does friendship too much like hard work.

 

Punch me in the tits and call me a pleb but shouldn’t friendships be a two way street where both parties interact on a level footing and give as much as they take? You should be nodding about now because if I’ve learnt nothing from life it’s that you look after your friends and loved ones. If you can’t do that then you are a contemptuous sack of pony shite. My brother, my wife and a few others will always be my friends. The bond is unshakable and needs no tending. 50/50 all the way in every part of the friendship/relationship. If it’s anything less, the wheels will fall off…unless of course you’re a more forgiving and kinder person than me. Did I mention I’m a wanker? Think I did. We all have good friends that can be trusted, right?

 

We all have a flaky, narcissistic friends with an outrageous sense of entitlement as well. It’s harder to drop them like a hot stone when they have admirable qualities or are part of a group of mates. Drives me mad when they can’t shake the need for petty little games. When is enough too much. How far do you bend over to except them for what they are before they end up riding you like a pit pony? (two pony references – check) That my friends is up to the individual. If they make you miserable, sponge off of you, lie or steal, then I’d suggest moving on.

 

Righto, off to read through what I just wrote and hope I’ve not just told you lot to kill all those you don’t like, or owt.