A daft little story for you.


Bottom of the food chain…again.


“Can’t you see I’m trying to sleep here?” Said the panda, lifting its head off its bed.


“Wot…?” Replied the scruffy human the other side of the bars.


Hardly able to contain its excitement, the panda rolled itself into a sitting position, and as quickly as it could bum shuffled towards the bars.


For a moment the pair regarded each other with a mix of suspicion and disgust. The panda, obviously overfed, rested its paws upon its sizeable belly while contemplating the possibility this was either a cruel trick, or he, like his father and his fathers father, was about to completely loose his mind.


The lank haired human, however, farted then scratched its backside before sniffing its grubby fingers.


“Ewww.” exclaimed the panda, and unable to hide its disgust, slowly pushed itself back from the bars. The human smelt worse than it looked.


“Wot…?” The human repeated itself, looking rather confused.


“Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes! This is so cool.” The panda rocked back and forth, clapping enthusiastically. “You have no idea how dull this place can be; I mean just look at it, it’s hardly the chuffing jungle. You know the last thing I had to talk to was a bloody parrot that knew only how to…”



The panda immediately fell silent, as out the corner of its eye saw one of the a park attendants gliding slowly by.



“Got to be careful, huh? Can’t let them know we can talk or…” The panda made an exaggerated snipping motion with its digits.


“Not very talkative though, are you?” Said the panda as soon as the attendant had disappeared out of view, keen to start a conversation. “So where you from then friend?”






“Ha-ha, not to worry, you just had a little to much sauce on the way over here, huh?” The panda chuckled to itself, causing its stomach to wobble. “I know how it feels, I do. All I could see for days were swirling colours. Not to worry, you’ll be fine in a few.”


Feeling a touch hungry, the panda picked up a piece of succulent bamboo and began shredding it with his powerful jaws.


“Got to say thank you really, I suppose.” He said between mouthfuls. “I mean it’d be rude not to, no?”




“I know, I know, I’m a talking panda and all that, but it was you guys that decided to alter our DNA, not us.”

The panda stopped for a moment and waited for a response, but when none came, he continued regardless.

“Turns out it was my great, great grandfather who was the first panda ever to speak.” He said absent-mindedly tapping himself on the chin with the stem. “Got to be honest though, I’ve no idea what on earth possessed mankind to do what he did. I mean, what else did you expect would happen? You mess to much with nature and something has to snap. Surely someone somewhere must have known things would go wrong eventually? But I bet no one saw it coming, did they?”


Having grown board of the talking black and white bear, the human began shuffling about its cage aimlessly. As it turned it exposed the tell-tale scar on the back of its scalp.


“Oh that’s just fucking marvellous.” Snapped the panda. “And when I though shit couldn’t get any worse, I get lumbered with a lobotomized, dumb as a post human.”


“You…” the panda heaved itself on to all fours, “it’s all your frigging fault. Sometimes I wish I couldn’t talk, or think, or dream. At least then I’d not give two shits about being locked up and having done nothing to deserve it. But no, now I’m stuck in here with only you for company and should the AI discover I can talk, then I’ll end up like cousin Waldo – missing half his brain and constantly shitting in his food trough.”


“Wot…” Replied the human.


“Oh shut up, just shut up. You know what, I’m half tempted to tell the robots you spoke to me. Sure I’ll end up eating shit, but so will you.”

Having lost his appetite, he tossed the half eaten stem to one side. “You wanna hear something bloody hilarious?” he continued “Less than a century ago my species was on the verge of extinction, but thanks to your meddling and the AI you’d created – you know, the AI that finally grew tired of your wanton destruction  – it now looks likely my kind are going to out live you. Yeah, you heard me right, a fucking grass eating bear will out live you lot. HA!”

Despondent, the panda waddled back to its bed and slumped down. “Last count their was over eight hundred pandas world wide, some of which had been released back into the wild. But as for you, well, their are only six of you left.”