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The humble ant, as pictured above. He looks like a right angry little wanker to be honest. I wonder what’s going through his mind? Maybe his woman left him for a chippies apprentice from South-end on sea and he’s shadow boxing, getting ready to kick seven shades of shit out the under qualified wood butcher?

I…I doubt that, but after what I witnessed today, you never can be sure of anything.

 

Firstly I’d like to say that in what happened next, no ants were harmed.

 

We’ve all known someone that’s done one or more of the following in an effort to get rid of ants.

 

1 – Boiling water kills ants, check!

2 – Fire kills ants, check!

3 – The suns rays concentrated by a magnifying glass kills ants, check!

4 – Jumping on the fuckers kills ants, check!

 

 

Well so far this year we’ve had a mixed bag of weather and for whatever reason we’ve inherited a bloody colony of the little buggers Each time you open a cupboard, you disturb the little shites as they look for something tasty to carry off.

I frigging swear I saw little silhouettes left by them in the copious amounts of ant powder we put down to keep ’em out. Dozens of tiny ant powder angels in the hallway and kitchen, with the words ‘fuck you, try harder’ traced out.

 

That sounds like fighting take to me, you insect arse hats.

 

This afternoon, Luke, my son, arrived back from a week long school trip. We were delighted to have him back and as a treated his mum made him a cup of warm hot chocolate. All sounds pretty standard? Happy to see your kid, blah, blah, etc, etc.

Well, what I witnessed next amazed me. Upon hearing the microwave ping, I took out the mugs of hot milk – one for Luke, one for Lilly – and couldn’t help but notice their were about eight or nine ants scuttling about under the dish. Being not a complete toss-bag, I felt a little sorry for them. Initially I thought they’d been accidentally cooked to a crisp and were in the final throws of a painful death. But no…they’d somehow been energised by the microwaves and were steaming about like nutters!

I could not believe it. Ants…are…fucking…microwave proof!! That got me thinking if they were microwave and ant powder proof, what’s to say they’d not take over the world when we inevitably nuke the living shit out of each other!

While I understand a common bond is shared by differing societies that stops all but the most determined of fuckwits from creating havoc, we do have a few worrying scrotes either in power, or vying for power.

I’m half tempted to send both Vladimir and Trump a copy of this blog in the hope they don’t start WW3 and usher in a new age…the age of the uber ant bastards!

 

 

Lastly, has anyone got their email addresses? Well, I’m pretty sure I could get hold of Trump if I sent a copy to: less_charm_than_a_torn_arsehole@stoptalkingplease.com

Matt..

 

 

Ps, my wife interrupted my speed proof read and now having gotten board, I’m submitting it regardless.

 

 

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