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**WARNING – THIS BLOG CONTAINS COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SPOILERS AND A FEW HALF-BAKED THEORIES!**

 

The battle of the bastards, how good was that?! I know what you’re thinking and yes, it was, but no chuffing way am I going to give up the best bit immediately! I’m savin’ that for last, you cheeky buggers!

 

Anyway, in an attempt to avoid the topic, I’ll kick things off by talking about Daenerys, Tyrion and the visit from the Iron Islands.

 

Daenerys, Tyrion and the salty duo.

 

In my humble opinion, I think Tyrion somewhat fucked up when he chose to cut a deal with the masters. Sure he had to try and you can’t blame him for that, but did you really think those dirt bags wouldn’t try something? Okay, I didn’t think they’d try an all out assault, but I guess they felt confident that Daenerys and her dragons were nowhere to be found. They were wrong.

When Daenerys and Tyrion were talking about what they should do to repel the attack, I momentarily thought she might just throw a wobbler and banish his arse. But she didn’t and I’m glad. I’m also glad Tyrion got to address the masters and inform them one of them had to die. To me this cemented his place as her adviser and mouth piece. Now with two of the masters are dead, and the last scared witless, this should ensured peace and allow her to move on to greater things, the Iron throne, etc, etc.

While Daenerys most definitely suffers with a case of Targaryen stubbornness – maybe even madness – and isn’t above digging her heels in, Tyrion, on the other hand, is considerably wiser and will do a grand job of leading her. Why? Well, he has no discernible ego to overcome, unlike many of the other major characters.

Oh er missus, what did you make of the scene with Daenerys  and Yara?!?! Poke me in the eye with a kipper and slap me Nan, I honestly thought they were about to drop everything and go at it hammer and tongue…heheheehe, see what I did their? Hammer and tongue. Get it? Tongue? Meh, my genius is wasted.

Anyway, the interaction between the two was rather full on, and childish jokes aside, Daenerys now not only rules the skies but the waves as well. I still think, mind you, that she and Jon will get it on. Why? Well the show is becoming easier to predict and this picture sealed my opinion on the matter.

 

 

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Similar, no? Could be a coincidence, but this makes me believe they’ll team up to kick the crap out of the shite walkers.

 

Besties forever – Tormund and Davos.

 

Tormund’s alive!!!! And I’m rather glad, I have to say. I liked his attempt at verbal tennis with Davos, and okay, he was about as successful as a deaf and blind volley ball team, bur you have to give him credit for bothering his arse. I suppose when you’re a hairy barbarian type, you do what you like and say fuck all. This week, however, it kind of felt like he’d played his part and killing him – although he may still die – would server little to no purpose, no shock value if you will.He’s kind of had his 15 minuets of fame and can now melt into the back ground.

Davos, as always, was typically sensible and steady, but the scene where he found the burnt wooden stag makes me wonder if the shit might hit the fan in the future. What size and consistency that shit might be is yet to be understood. and due to the slight simplification of the show, and given the plot is thickening fast, I’m half expecting the burning of Stannis’ daughter to be brushed under the carpet.

Well, I say that but I don’t honestly know. What would Davos achieve by sticking a knife in Melisandre. That won’t help the cause, and Davos would know that. After all, they will need every little help they can get if they are to overcome the shite walkers. But why then did they have him find it with such a pretty fiery back drop? I suspect it might not be a throw away clue, but like I’ve said, I don’t know.

One nagging point though. Do you really think Tormund would have survived such a battle a few seasons ago? Fuck no. Good old George would have had him slaughtered in-front of our eyes, his bowels unpicked and his eyes gouged out just to laugh at our collective dismay. But no, the plots aren’t as vicious, nor are they as forward planed as they once were, I’d venture.

Please don’t think I’m unhappy with the show because it’s becoming more cliched, I’m so not and love it. No, it is merely an observation. To be fair, a little dumbing down is hardly a sacrifice and has to be expected.

Personally I think we’re pretty lucky the show still gets masses of funding and is as entertaining as it is. I bet their are plenty of people out there dreading the long dark between the last episode and the first new one, right? I wonder, how many other long running series have their been that either evaporated before they were finished, or had their budgets slashed due to plummeting viewing figures? A fair few I’d say.

 

 

Bastard, one, wanker…nil.

 

FUCK ME, the battle scene was cracking, no? The sense of claustrophobia was especially well done and with all the shit, blood and bodies flying every which way, you felt irresistibly draw in to the fray. The sound was overwhelming and the chaos tangible. For a few moments I was tunnel visioned on the screen, focused furiously on Jon, half expecting him to either get run through or be peppered with arrows. Thankfully this wasn’t the case. This was brilliantly backed up by the scene where Jon almost got trampled to death. His ragged breath was at the forefront of what you could hear and for a brief moment the word of Melisandre rang in my ears. Maybe Jon was only brought back only to die here? But no.

What a swordsman Jon’s turned out to be, right? Hell yeah…but what a shit-house of a general! I know his little brother was horrifically slaughtered by Ramsey the wanker, but it worries me that Jon hasn’t the tactical nous of a crayon eating village idiot. It’s one thing to win the loyalty of the wildlings – lets be honest, they’re not the brightest – but it’s something far removed to be able to defeat the undead hordes controlled by the night king. Lets face it, if it wasn’t for shitty fingers…sorry, little finger, Jon would have kicked the bucket the other night.

Another matter that concerns me is Sansa. I think she could easily turn into a wanker. Over the last few weeks she’s been pissing off some of the houses once loyal to her father by acting like a chopper, now she’s keeping secrets from Jon and pretty much using him as a meat shield in order to secure the victory. I get that Ramsey abused her, We all know hes a dick, but in keeping such a secret, she pretty much wrote off both brothers. Call me a donkey but that’s not the actions of a loving sister. Also, either she knows more about tactics than she let on at the war council, or little finger helped her manufacture the plan. Maybe little finger wanted Jon out of the way. He’s a bit of a worm and would do anything to avoid getting his hand dirty or his throat cut.

 

Right, that’s about it. Not proof reading as it’s late. Peace.

 

Matt..

 

 

 

 

Who’d have thought it?

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The humble ant, as pictured above. He looks like a right angry little wanker to be honest. I wonder what’s going through his mind? Maybe his woman left him for a chippies apprentice from South-end on sea and he’s shadow boxing, getting ready to kick seven shades of shit out the under qualified wood butcher?

I…I doubt that, but after what I witnessed today, you never can be sure of anything.

 

Firstly I’d like to say that in what happened next, no ants were harmed.

 

We’ve all known someone that’s done one or more of the following in an effort to get rid of ants.

 

1 – Boiling water kills ants, check!

2 – Fire kills ants, check!

3 – The suns rays concentrated by a magnifying glass kills ants, check!

4 – Jumping on the fuckers kills ants, check!

 

 

Well so far this year we’ve had a mixed bag of weather and for whatever reason we’ve inherited a bloody colony of the little buggers Each time you open a cupboard, you disturb the little shites as they look for something tasty to carry off.

I frigging swear I saw little silhouettes left by them in the copious amounts of ant powder we put down to keep ’em out. Dozens of tiny ant powder angels in the hallway and kitchen, with the words ‘fuck you, try harder’ traced out.

 

That sounds like fighting take to me, you insect arse hats.

 

This afternoon, Luke, my son, arrived back from a week long school trip. We were delighted to have him back and as a treated his mum made him a cup of warm hot chocolate. All sounds pretty standard? Happy to see your kid, blah, blah, etc, etc.

Well, what I witnessed next amazed me. Upon hearing the microwave ping, I took out the mugs of hot milk – one for Luke, one for Lilly – and couldn’t help but notice their were about eight or nine ants scuttling about under the dish. Being not a complete toss-bag, I felt a little sorry for them. Initially I thought they’d been accidentally cooked to a crisp and were in the final throws of a painful death. But no…they’d somehow been energised by the microwaves and were steaming about like nutters!

I could not believe it. Ants…are…fucking…microwave proof!! That got me thinking if they were microwave and ant powder proof, what’s to say they’d not take over the world when we inevitably nuke the living shit out of each other!

While I understand a common bond is shared by differing societies that stops all but the most determined of fuckwits from creating havoc, we do have a few worrying scrotes either in power, or vying for power.

I’m half tempted to send both Vladimir and Trump a copy of this blog in the hope they don’t start WW3 and usher in a new age…the age of the uber ant bastards!

 

 

Lastly, has anyone got their email addresses? Well, I’m pretty sure I could get hold of Trump if I sent a copy to: less_charm_than_a_torn_arsehole@stoptalkingplease.com

Matt..

 

 

Ps, my wife interrupted my speed proof read and now having gotten board, I’m submitting it regardless.

 

 

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**Caution, this is long and filled with awesome stuff that may cause you to go bald and blind.**

 

Episode 8 – No One.

At frigging last a few of the old characters rediscovered themselves in last nights episode. Namely Cersei: Jamie, the Hound and Arya.

 

On a side note, I’d like to congratulate my wife (again) who did say last week that Lady Crane would some how help Arya…blah, blah, yeah, yeah, what-ever…

 

 

Arya and the House of Black and Shite.

 

In my humble opinion Arya’s story lines of late has been a bit underwhelming. I do think, mind you, things are about to get a whole lot more interesting for her.

The House of Black and White needs to be renamed the cult of confused cunts. Talk about convoluted with no real outcome. While that’s partly tongue in cheek, I do admit to never really liking that plot. I totally understand Jaqen first needed to break Arya’s old self down before rebuilding, but for me it was too laboured and all a bit bollocks.

 

I had a sleep before attempting this blog and this morning it struck me just how much help Arya has had throughout the entire series. I mean she’s always managed to survive this, avoiding that, etc, but it was always with someones help. Syrio trained her in Kings Landing on how to ‘dance’ with a sword. Then the hound took over, giving her life lessons and helping her with her swordsmanship. Then Jaqen H’ghar bailed her out several times before investing a massive amount of effort in her. What I’m saying is she’s lived a rather blessed life thus far. Or has she?

Imagine you’re the head of an assassins guild and one of your more promising students, Arya, pretty much tells you to poke the job up your arse. Would you be happy? Fuck no, you’d strangle the life out of the little shit, wouldn’t you? But inexplicably he actually seemed happy. Or was he? Maybe really he’s seething inside and when she’s not expecting it, he’ll leap out of the shadows and poke out her eyes with a carrot? The smile Jaqen let slip at the end of last nights episode really got me thinking.

I don’t for a moment believe he’ll kill her off, far from it. Firstly she’s had too much air time ploughed into her. And secondly, Jaqen will do what he’s always done which is shadow her like a guardian angel. She’s almost bullet proof, I’d say. Unlike poor old Tormund, who will, mark my words, die before the end of the series because he’s now one of those fringe characters we actually like. Arya will be around after the White Walkers have been vanquished, or at least pushed back.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if Syrio was a member of the House of Black and White and everything that’s happened to Arya has been carefully orchestrated. Hell, maybe Syrio and Jaqen are the same person? What lead me to this conclusion was we don’t know for sure that Syrio died after Arya fled Kings Landing and the smile. I know it’s not much but it got me thinking and second guessing. On an other note, I don’t think Waif was ever meant to kill Arya. Jaqen said to Waif not to let Arya suffer. Why though? Did he say that knowing she’d go easy and make a costly mistake?  To me the plot seems loaded in Arya’s favour somewhat.

The underwhelming aspect of Arya’s story was the inconsistency in her character. We all know she’s a fighter but all too often she seemed lost and afraid. Yes I know she was out of her depth somewhat, but why then would she in the next moment be cool and confident. That could be explained by saying as the more of her old self surfaced, the more she remember how to survive as Arya Stark and not the nameless girl.

 

Right, enough time on one character.

 

 

Cersei’s out numbered in her own home and Jamie to the rescue.

 

Oh what a shame trial by combat was abolished by whelp King 2.0. I really wanted to see the mountain go full retard and pull some fuckers limbs off. Well, I suppose I can’t complain as he did rip some scrubs head from his shoulders.

This notion is pretty straightforward and I imagine you’ll be glad. Cersei is in a whole heap of trouble, we know that much, but fresh from taking Riverrun without a casualty, I think Jamie will steam back to kings landing, team up with the cunning fox that is Margaery and stomp the shite out of the pious git, the high sparrow.

 

 

The Hound and his band of merry swordsmen. 

 

I’m very happy with what I’ve seen so far of the hounds new redemption theme. For sure he’s still an eye for an eye type of bastard, but he’s not quite the same as he was before. He said so himself after finding Beric Dondarrion (the bloke he killed a few seasons back) and Thoros about to hang the three stooges who had slaughtered the tree huggers and killed his friend, brother Ray. You got a slight sense of change when the hound was travelling with Arya, but still he managed to be an utter shit-house most of the time. It seems, however, the kindness of brother Ray has dulled the hound’s murderous twat attitude slightly.

Yes, I know he slaughtered four men lumberjack style and then kicked the boxes from under two more, hanging them, but they deserved it and more. He also said to Beric their was a time he’d have killed everyone just because he could. This makes me think he’s either have softened up too much and will get sucker punched, or will be around for a long time to come. I’m hoping the latter.

 

A further mention for Beric and the fact they more people seem to know about the White Walkers. Beric is the Lord of Blackhaven, once a vassal of House Baratheon, and we all know Ned Stark was Robert Baratheon friend, don’t we? Maybe Blackhaven will be able to provide Jon and Sansa with men seeing as they both share a common enemy?

 

A couple of blogs ago I mentioned Azor Ahai and the prince that was promised. This refers back a thousand years to a legendary warrior who wielded light bringer, a fiery sword and who rose up to defeat the White Walkers. Does that mean we’ll get some arse kicking super warrior? If so, who?

 

Lastly…the scene between Edmure Tully and Jamie Lannister was bloody excellent. It started off cordially enough but soon descended. This was the first time for me that I’ve seen the nastier side of GoT. I know people get killed all the time, but this was colder and more calculated than swinging an axe. This had a shitty real worldly feel about it. It will also be a sad day when Jamie and Brienne meet over the battle field. While theirs is an unlikely friendship, it proves Jamie isn’t a complete wanker and once he might have stood a chance at not being a git if only he wasn’t a Lannister.

 

 

Matt..

 

Ps, comment, you fuckers!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brian Blessed!

Their are some people you just have to talk about…and here is one of them!

 

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This picture was lifted off the net and I’m pretty sure its from his latest book, Absolute Pandemonium. How fitting, the man is distilled chaos!

 

Just in case I get in to likeness trouble, their is no pluralistic intent, just homage.

 

I’ve deliberately avoided doing too much in the way of research, I want this to be an honest appraisal of what I see as a people watcher.

I don’t care to list his achievements: his expeditionary ventures, the books he’s written, nor his film or documentary contributions, no, this is about the man himself. The man, the myth, the living fucking legend!

 

Initially this blog started out as a comical whos-who of great bearded folk, and while attempting to compile a list, Brian, as he seems to, quickly stole the show.Before too long I ended up on YouTube watching endless clips of him traumatising limp wankers with his bombastic outbursts, or utterly charm the audience with his vigorous anecdotes and energetic humour. Shit and bodily functions factor heavily in many of these, by the way.

However, If their were a list of the very best bearded men of the world, then I’m sure he’d be right up the top of the pile.

 

I urge you to watch some of his documentaries on YouTube. The man is utterly irresistible, he’s a human tsunami. A towering presences. Engaging, energetic and charismatic are but a few adjectives you could use when describing him, but they’d somehow fall short I’d say. Oh, not forgetting modest, he is oh sooooo modest.

But seriously, if you watch you’d forgive him for being a somewhat a tongue in cheek braggart as his stories, while entertaining, are loaded with humility and respect. The way he talks about others he admires opens up a door to his inner workings. Once you’ve peeked inside, his bellowing voice and outlandish mannerisms somehow seems appropriate and somewhat less daft.

While I imagine he’d be a foe that’d test the mettle of your mettle, I’d bet both knackers he’d be a true and unshakeable friend. He talks about his relationship with Richard O’toole, whom he applauds as the very greatest actor, and his father. Both are treated with reverence and such insightful grace you can’t but like the man even more. I mean come on, he’s a mans man and a good man to boot!

He has a presence and a confidence to meet any challenge, and more to his eternal credit was the touching mention he made when comparing asking his wife for their first kiss and how much harder that was than climbing Everest. He seems to be an expert reader of people and somehow is able to unpick a person. I’ve heard him say on many an occasion how he likes the diversity in humanity and how nature doesn’t cheat.

 

He is famous for his stories and one of the most talked about was when he punched an intruding polar bear on the nose after it tore open his tent. Mother of god, he chinned a chuffing polar bear and was most pleased that it wasn’t shot and he’d saved its life. While that sounds complete bollocks, it’s true. Well, I completely believe him! To be honest you’re all-but compelled to believe anything he says simply because he said it.

Possibly my favourite story, although their are way too many to mention, is the one when he received a call from Professor Stephen Hawking regarding Stephen travelling in to space and does Brian think it a good idea. Wrong man to ask, really, Stephen. If he’d been hoping for something tender or delicate, he’d have been better suited jabbing a bear in the eye with a sharp stick.

Brian’s response, however, was pure comedy platinum. He simply tells the Professor ‘You’re going to fucking die anyway, so why not die up there?” Laughed my backside off.

 

The thing I like the most about him is he’s more than the sum of his parts. He was born in South Yorkshire, the son of a coal miner and lived a modest life as a boy. A boy that never stopped dreaming and hoping. But He’s more than that, way more than just a Great a Briton; he’s a true native of mother earth. He talks so enthusiastically and generously about beautiful places and peoples from over seas and how we can all achieve great things together if we put our minds to it. He, at the age of 79, has become a cosmonaut and this coming August will be travelling to the international space station. Surely by now you can’t doubt his place at the head of the bearded pantheon? He’s 79 years of age, for fucks sake! This might sound a bit like a bromance, but don’t we all need someone like Blessed in our lives to remind us its okay to fuck shit up, so long as you never, ever stop trying?

 

The man is a celebrated actor, so how cool would it be if he we’re in Game of Thrones? Given the gravity of his voice and impressive physical stature –  the man is 79 yet can still bench press 150kg  – I couldn’t help but think he’d be a majestic old warrior king, or a rum soaked mercenary pirate captain? That would be grand, no?

 

Anyway, I’m talking like he’s dead, but hell no! He still has more blood and thunder in his veins than a hundred men combined. Although age is undoubtedly pull at the seams of his flesh, his spirit burns so bright you can’t help but feed off his energy and get carried along in his slipstream.

 

Matt..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The broken man…or should that be broken men?

 

Bron…

 

Bron…is…back!! I think in my last GoT blog, could well have been the one before, I asked for the Bron and Tyrion show to make a reappearance. While my prayers weren’t entirely granted, they weren’t completely ignored. So, until my favourite duo teams up again, the Bron and Jamie show will also do just fine. Sure, I know Bron is a little rough around the edges and scores highest out on the ‘fuck, arse, bollocks and cunt’ frequency table, but I love how he deals with the Lannister brothers when they flaunt their status and wealth.

 

Conclusion – okay, so Bron isn’t one of the broken men but he is jolly good adult rated fun. And as you can tell I’m happy my favourite support character is back in the fold. Hmmm, a support actor? What makes a support actor in a show with such a large cast? I suppose it’s because he isn’t an integral part of the story. He’s one of the many tasty flavours that make up steaming broth that is GoT? Sounds better than saying he’s one of many smaller flies buzzing about the turd of Westeros, doesn’t it?

 

The hound…

 

Oh yeah, the hound is back! And Brienne, you big footed wench, he ‘ain’t dead yet! I really enjoyed the story where he’d was ‘looking‘ after Arya, it was easily one of the best at the time. True the dynamic duo were as dysfunctional as fire-starting crayon eater, but in an odd way they worked well together. That could have been part of the reason she chose not to kill him when she had the chance.

The hound’s return came at a rather heavy cost to Brother Ray (Ian McShane) and seemingly his entire troop of tree hugging happy clappers.I feel due to the kindness, acceptance and words of wisdom offered by Ray – and then his subsequent hanging – the hound might just have stumbled across a virtuous cause for once. Up until that point, I’m willing to wager he’d just been on one long killing spree.

 

Conclusion – I’d say the hound is a broken man, albeit physically, but he’s a big, hard, nasty bastard that’s looking to rejoin the fray.

 

Theon…

 

Theon Greyjoy might, with the help of his tit nuzzling, hard drinking sister, have just rediscovered his balls…if not his penis. I’m pretty sure a sea gull had that for a snack after it was sent back home…

While I’ve never really liked Theon that much, you have to say his character has been through the ringer somewhat and probably deserves a little slack.

The first we saw of him, he was a cocky (no pun) semi-captive of the Stark family. Then after betraying them, he fled home only to receive the twat-of-the-week award from his lank haired father and grungy looking sister. If being rejected by your family wasn’t bad enough, the poor bastard then has his winky cut off by that fuckwit Ramsay.

Conclusion – while Theon was most definitely broke, he just might front up and play some minor role in the future.

 

A small mention to Jon Snow. While he was broken – you don’t get more broken than being shanked to death by your supposed mates, then to have your manhood mocked by a hairy wildling – I sense the force is strong in this one. At last he seems to be shaking off the ill effects of being a bit dead. By the gods, I sooooooo hope he soon tells Sansa to chill the fuck out and stop getting involved in the talky-talky stuff. I mean, she just acts all self important tool and that seems to piss the unwashed oiks off plenty.

 

Conclusion – Jon was very broken but looks to be rediscovering his purpose again.

 

Notable mentions to Lyanna Mormont, she pulled no punches and handed both Jon and Sansa a good kicking, that was until the excellent Davos came in to bail them both out with a cracking little speech. I like Davos. He, like Tyrion, seems to be able to keep the story moving nicely and does so with a warm charm. Lyanna was great and a real change of tempo. Some of the characters of late felt a little generic, but she most definitely wasn’t.  I half expected Jon and Sansa to swan in, drop a few name bombs and piss off with a nice shiny new army. But no, the young Mormont slapped them about before eventually giving all she could.

 

Margaery is playing a very, very dangerous game with the high sparrow and his band of merry-less fuckwits. I’m unsure which way this will go, or even the effects it’ll have on those other factions dotted about the map.

 

Cersei is flapping her gums but doing bugger all. Either she has something up her sleeve, is truly powerless as we’re lead to believe, or the writers have all-but forgotten about her. Bit annoying as she is a great character.

 

Lastly little Arya, what a silly sausage you are. Am I alone in finding the scene where she was attacked on the bridge rather odd? It’s almost like she was soliciting the attack. I mean surely she can’t have been that daft to think she could leave an organisation like house of black and white without the crap hitting the fan?  Shit, if I’d pissed off a group as deadly as they, I’d be on edge 24/7! But no, she got sucker punched by some old fart complementing her massive fucking eye brows!! Okay, so she didn’t say that but it doesn’t mean it isn’t true! They’re chuffing massive, like two slugs glued to her forehead.

What is planned for the grievously injured Arya? My lovely and intelligent wife came up with two good idea as to how Arya might escape the black and white’s attentions.

 

First idea – Arya gets rescued by the actress she’d saved, gets patched up and sent on her way back to Westeros.

 

Second idea – Arya has been to see the aforementioned actress and gets some theatrical blood bags to somehow fake serious injury? That seems less likely as the dagger went into Arya’s belly a bloody long way.

 

So, that about concludes this weeks GoT blog. Character reappearances aside, I was most happy an epic shit storm  looks to be on the horizon.

Oh and their were titties for the second week on the trot! RESULT!

 

Matt..

GoT review pending.

I’m going to watch GoT again tonight as my better half fell asleep (a crime indeed!) and then write me blog.

 

Matt..

Extinction.

 

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A daft little story for you.

 

Bottom of the food chain…again.

 

“Can’t you see I’m trying to sleep here?” Said the panda, lifting its head off its bed.

 

“Wot…?” Replied the scruffy human the other side of the bars.

 

Hardly able to contain its excitement, the panda rolled itself into a sitting position, and as quickly as it could bum shuffled towards the bars.

 

For a moment the pair regarded each other with a mix of suspicion and disgust. The panda, obviously overfed, rested its paws upon its sizeable belly while contemplating the possibility this was either a cruel trick, or he, like his father and his fathers father, was about to completely loose his mind.

 

The lank haired human, however, farted then scratched its backside before sniffing its grubby fingers.

 

“Ewww.” exclaimed the panda, and unable to hide its disgust, slowly pushed itself back from the bars. The human smelt worse than it looked.

 

“Wot…?” The human repeated itself, looking rather confused.

 

“Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes! This is so cool.” The panda rocked back and forth, clapping enthusiastically. “You have no idea how dull this place can be; I mean just look at it, it’s hardly the chuffing jungle. You know the last thing I had to talk to was a bloody parrot that knew only how to…”

 

 

The panda immediately fell silent, as out the corner of its eye saw one of the a park attendants gliding slowly by.

 

 

“Got to be careful, huh? Can’t let them know we can talk or…” The panda made an exaggerated snipping motion with its digits.

 

“Not very talkative though, are you?” Said the panda as soon as the attendant had disappeared out of view, keen to start a conversation. “So where you from then friend?”

 

 

“Wot…?”

 

 

“Ha-ha, not to worry, you just had a little to much sauce on the way over here, huh?” The panda chuckled to itself, causing its stomach to wobble. “I know how it feels, I do. All I could see for days were swirling colours. Not to worry, you’ll be fine in a few.”

 

Feeling a touch hungry, the panda picked up a piece of succulent bamboo and began shredding it with his powerful jaws.

 

“Got to say thank you really, I suppose.” He said between mouthfuls. “I mean it’d be rude not to, no?”

 

“Wot…?

 

“I know, I know, I’m a talking panda and all that, but it was you guys that decided to alter our DNA, not us.”

The panda stopped for a moment and waited for a response, but when none came, he continued regardless.

“Turns out it was my great, great grandfather who was the first panda ever to speak.” He said absent-mindedly tapping himself on the chin with the stem. “Got to be honest though, I’ve no idea what on earth possessed mankind to do what he did. I mean, what else did you expect would happen? You mess to much with nature and something has to snap. Surely someone somewhere must have known things would go wrong eventually? But I bet no one saw it coming, did they?”

 

Having grown board of the talking black and white bear, the human began shuffling about its cage aimlessly. As it turned it exposed the tell-tale scar on the back of its scalp.

 

“Oh that’s just fucking marvellous.” Snapped the panda. “And when I though shit couldn’t get any worse, I get lumbered with a lobotomized, dumb as a post human.”

 

“You…” the panda heaved itself on to all fours, “it’s all your frigging fault. Sometimes I wish I couldn’t talk, or think, or dream. At least then I’d not give two shits about being locked up and having done nothing to deserve it. But no, now I’m stuck in here with only you for company and should the AI discover I can talk, then I’ll end up like cousin Waldo – missing half his brain and constantly shitting in his food trough.”

 

“Wot…” Replied the human.

 

“Oh shut up, just shut up. You know what, I’m half tempted to tell the robots you spoke to me. Sure I’ll end up eating shit, but so will you.”

Having lost his appetite, he tossed the half eaten stem to one side. “You wanna hear something bloody hilarious?” he continued “Less than a century ago my species was on the verge of extinction, but thanks to your meddling and the AI you’d created – you know, the AI that finally grew tired of your wanton destruction  – it now looks likely my kind are going to out live you. Yeah, you heard me right, a fucking grass eating bear will out live you lot. HA!”

Despondent, the panda waddled back to its bed and slumped down. “Last count their was over eight hundred pandas world wide, some of which had been released back into the wild. But as for you, well, their are only six of you left.”

 

“Wot…?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, this is a great way to kick off the new temporary blog platform at DAVELAND! Hodder have issued both a cover and a release date for OUTCASTS 2! Thunderbolt will be released on 12th January 20…

Source: Press Release: OUTCASTS 2

Not that the ginger twat will need any help, but here is a link to a good friend’s blog page.

 

https://daveland.wordpress.com/

 

Regards, Matt..cropped-cropped-blokecalleddave-header-new-brand1

 

PS, don’t trust him. he’s ginger…