Tag Archive: blogger



First things first, a mate of mine said while my last attempt at blogging sounded like me, it lacked a certain something; my personality. What he really meant was I was clearly trying to hard not to offend folks and it didn’t sound right. So, having taken that on board, I’m going to have another crack at blogging and while I’ll try to keep it up for longer than eight weeks this time, I ‘ain’t promising nowt. Don’t think, however, I’m about to start hurling abuse in every direction indiscriminately. No, no I’m not, but what I will do is to rip the piss out of idiots that either are begging for it, or are so far up their own arses that they deserve it.



What does the above hash tag mean, I hear you ask. Well, it means be true to yourself. My inner wanker loves to laugh, is sometimes cruel, often intellectual and enjoys nothing more than picking and poking fun at himself and others. Saying that I’m not a total wanker, mind you.


Topic for today – friendship.


I’m a good friend, I think. Well, I’m a good person so surely that translates into being a good mate? Fucking ought to. Oh yeah, I’ll be swearing a whole lot more this time around. So if you’re easily offended, piss off and play with your dolls somewhere else.


This feels good, you wankers!


Topic Matthew! Right, where was I? Ah yes, I’m a good friend and in the interests of impartiality I’ll beg/bribe some of me mates to pipe up and give you their opinions.


I recently worked with a bloke whom I became good friends with – although the prick has just left the store and is now dead to me…I’m joking, ffs. Much to my surprise and delight, he’s almost as scathing a cunt as me – which is an achievement that ought to get the both of us arrested. The point to today’s blog is when is does friendship too much like hard work.


Punch me in the tits and call me a pleb but shouldn’t friendships be a two way street where both parties interact on a level footing and give as much as they take? You should be nodding about now because if I’ve learnt nothing from life it’s that you look after your friends and loved ones. If you can’t do that then you are a contemptuous sack of pony shite. My brother, my wife and a few others will always be my friends. The bond is unshakable and needs no tending. 50/50 all the way in every part of the friendship/relationship. If it’s anything less, the wheels will fall off…unless of course you’re a more forgiving and kinder person than me. Did I mention I’m a wanker? Think I did. We all have good friends that can be trusted, right?


We all have a flaky, narcissistic friends with an outrageous sense of entitlement as well. It’s harder to drop them like a hot stone when they have admirable qualities or are part of a group of mates. Drives me mad when they can’t shake the need for petty little games. When is enough too much. How far do you bend over to except them for what they are before they end up riding you like a pit pony? (two pony references – check) That my friends is up to the individual. If they make you miserable, sponge off of you, lie or steal, then I’d suggest moving on.


Righto, off to read through what I just wrote and hope I’ve not just told you lot to kill all those you don’t like, or owt.






Weaponise my little darlings? What in the name of Crom is he wibbling about!?!

Well, my avid readers ever eager for my worldly wisdom and lashings of tomfoolery, what am I talking about? I’m talking about the scourge of humanity, the end of days and the hammer of damnation; I’m referring to the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!

Are you safe? Do you think you’re ready, do you?? Well, we at the Thomas foundation are…ish.

Okay, some of you might now be thinking I’ve misplaced my keen sense of reality, but no!! I have proof the undead are set to rise from their graves and suck the brains through your nose!! Am I mad? No, not at all. After all the medication following the accident has all but stopped the twitching episodes g@F:Freggggggg..fg,.s’GSD..fg… Well, almost.

Watch this dude on YouTube. Not only is he really entertaining, but he is while I’m typing he’s developing weapons with which to counter the legions of undead!!


Another defensive stalwart is this next guy. While he might only be honing his zombie take down on line, at least he’s preparing. I urge you to watch this guy as he is really amusing and who knows, you might learn something that may save your life.


If you’re still with me this far then I know what you’re thinking, but you’d be wrong. I’ve not been at the cat litter again (it gets stuck in my teeth) and I packed up drinking along time ago when I got married; obviously…


My contribution to the cause is that of chief weapon smith – I made all the swords, etc – and have taken it upon myself to temper my prodginy! Currently I have both my kids on a grueling close combat training regime designed to maximize both body count and survive-ability come judgement day. It makes Krav Maga training look like a toe nail painting seminar.


Firstly I burred them without food or water for three days and nights in the back garden. While they ‘endured’, I made them eat all their vegetables and flogged them with the socks, pants and other items of clothing they constantly leave strewn about their bedrooms.  While this might sound barbaric to some, I needed to know if they have the metal to complete the training. You’ll be happy to know they both passed with flying colours!


Subject: Lilly Thomas. Code name ‘The pink bulldozer’.





Lilly in mid attack. The training dummy didn’t stand a chance.


Judging by the unbridled savagery in Lilly’s eyes, it seems my draconian methods worked. Biting, of which she as taken to, isn’t allowed. During the last two weeks of boot-camp, I’d like a pound for every time she’s sunk her teeth into me. My fingers, arms, face and back are a patchwork testament to not only Lilly’s jaw strength but her inability to follow simple instructions! She is whirling dervish and thus a work in progress.


Subject: Luke Thomas. Code name ”Hair helmet”.



Luke, being gentler by nature, was harder to train I struggled for days trying to find his inner ungowa! Who’d have thought a child with no volume control would take to espionage like a window licker to a green-house! Once he mastered the art of camouflage their was no stopping him!! Now I dare not wander the house at anytime without the means to protect myself for fear he’ll strike with blinding speed and deadly accuracy.

So, The Thomas foundation are ready. Are you?





PS, next project…home made ballistic weapons!!



Dayz, what’s that then? I hear you ask. The short answer is it’s a first person shooter game. The long answer is a long one, so here goes.


I’d seen Dayz advertised dozens of times whilst browsing through Steam and although it interested me enough to update my payment details, I never felt hooked enough to completed the purchase. That changed when a mate took the plunge and tried convincing me to join in. So, still undecided, I thought to look on YouTube to see if I could find anything.

Anything? How about EVERYTHING. Their are possibly thousands of user video blogs about Dayz on YouTube but the blogs that stood out the most were by a guy called FRANKIEonPCin1080p.


Here is a link to his YouTube page http://www.youtube.com/user/FRANKIEonPCin1080p. Feel free to browse, I’m sure he’ll not mind.


Honestly this guy had me laughing along with him throughout all his daft episodes. One that springs to mind was when he helped a player who thought he was Morgan Freeman. It was Frankie’s sense of humor and enjoyment that sold the game to me.


So I decided to purchased the game… While being no pro player, I’m also no uber noob when it comes to adrenaline pumping first person shooters, so, foolishly, I thought I knew what was to come. However, I was wrong, really, really wrong.

For those unknowing types out there, Dayz is a game based upon the popular Arma format and shares, so I’m told, many of its quirks and oddities. Arma, although I’ve never played it, I believe is considered a more realistic FPS and I suppose lends itself to Dayz reality based experience perfectly.


Incidentally, if you’re considering buying Dayz standalone then don’t be put off by the naysayers moaning about its bugs, etc. Okay it really gets tedious falling off ladders or moon walking backwards from the top of a building but give the game a little room as it’s still only in alpha testing and is bound to be somewhat rough around the edges. Personally I believe if you persevere with it and you’ll find it rewarding…mostly.


Game play –


You start life as a beleaguered survivor stranded on a Russian beach dressed only in basic clothing. Yep, that’s right, no gun, no nade, no stabby/bashy weapon and most definitely no air support. Bummer. If that isn’t bad enough your character Immediately tells you you’re both hungry and thirsty. Get use to it; life’s hard surviving in a post zombie apocalypse!

Unsure what to do I wandered off the beach and towards what looked like a road away in the distance. Scanning the horizon to get a better idea of what to do next, I noticed in the distance a blurry silhouette moving rapidly towards me.

I’d picked up enough from the clips to know Dayz is an mmo of sorts but being greener than grass, I thought I’d made game content contact already. Job done, now you may lead me to our destination and to food. Also, where’s my map? However, it wasn’t a player or an NPC coming to lead me by the hand, fuck no. I quickly realized by the inhuman wailing and the bandy legged run that it was a zombie. Without waiting I decided to try and out run it. I’ve seen enough zombie films to know talking to them most often leads to you having your brain sucked out through your eye socked. And with no weapon to protect myself panic set in and I sped off down the road. I felt somewhat happier thinking the road might lad me to safety and having the zombie trailing in my slip stream. As I continued to run the total lack of human presence became extremely eerie. Everywhere I looked were signs of past existence but nothing present. A undecipherable, weather worn road sign here, a burnt out car an over turned trash can there, but nothing that had me thinking I was in anything other than a wasteland. With the growing sense of isolation almost complete another zombie burst from the bushes and chased me down the road. The constant threat of zombie attacks coupled with my bleak surroundings strengthened my sense of helplessness and complete isolation. Here I was in an unrecognizable land with no map, no food and no clue what to do next. Shit.


First contact – (In truth this next bit wasn’t my first spawn, it was my second. I chose this for obvious reasons especially as falling off a ladder only to break both legs and get eaten by zombies isn’t very rock and roll, is it?)


Although, like I’ve already said, I’d watched a few Dayz YouTube clips but hadn’t yet go around to the ones telling you what to do should you meet other players. My bad…

Upon reaching a generic looking building I saw three figures quickly making their way towards me. I guessed they had to be players because they didn’t move like zombies. As soon as one of the guys came close enough he began communicate through proximity chat. First he asked if I was new and did I need any food or water. For a moment I though. ‘Wow, what luck, these guys are pretty cool…’

While distracted one of the three walked around me and slapped on a pair of cuffs. Once done he joined in the discussion by asking, ‘Yeah, you need anything, like a key.’

The bastard cuffed me! Why? I had nothing worth stealing. Now I could see they were well tooled up dressed in camo gear, back packs, webbing and rifles on there backs. Not sure what was coming next I responded with something like, ‘Yeah, real funny. Can I go now.’ There response was  brutal but not entirely unexpected; as the game plunges you into a lawless situation where you choose how to survive. Both guys in front of me proceeded to yell abuse at me while beating seven shades of crapola out of me with baseball bats. Still at that point I honestly thought they’d uncuff me and let me go. That was until the player with a deep southern American accent began shouting so excitedly down the mic that he became completely incomprehensible. It ended as quickly as it started with a shot to the back of my head.


Still reeling I re-spawned back on the beach. It was only they I realized my heart rate had gone through the roof. I could hear my pulse hammering away in my throat. Believe me I’m not lying when I say the game can be that intense. Okay so after 80+ hours the intensity level does drop a touch but remains tangible. When you’ve just spent 5 to 10 hours getting equipped the last thing you want is to happen is to be killed for what you’ve salvaged. Since I’ve been playing I’ve been killed over a dozen times when trying to offer a hand of friendship towards strangers in the game. So, I guess, some of the bandits out there can be forgiven somewhat for simply loosing their nerve and shooting first. Don’t get me wrong, mind, their are plenty of player killers that take way too much pleasure in running down a new spawn of mobbing a solo operators. The three shining examples of camaraderie I’ve personally witnessed tend to stay with you more than the treachery. Some Russian lads gave me a scope for my rifle when I approached them, weapon down. I’ve tagged along on two separate clans and been kindly shown the ropes. The first was an English based clan and were really cool. The second, the one I join mostly, are made up mainly of Brits, Norwegians and a nutty Dane. It’s these small successes that keep you coming back. Sure fire fights over territory and in self-defense are great fun but all said everything that happens in the game empowers it.


Here is a link to our Dayz server – https://www.gametracker.com/server_info/


Summery – I’m really enjoying Dayz at the moment. Okay it can get bloody annoying when a glitch kills you, or some stranger wipes you out for no reason and the lack of map does get right on my tits, but I try not to let these get me down for long. Dayz is brutal and unforgiving. I’m kind of bored of games with armies of npcs designed to walk you through the plot or those that dish up wave after wave of AI bots for you to waste. Dayz isn’t a mmo social raiding club, nor is it a full throttle first person shooter. No, it’s all of the above but one where you choose how best to survive. You can either play by eking out a meager existence and avoiding busy servers, band up with friendlies and dole out a help and death in equal measure or, should you want, you could always choose to be a man hunter and kill indiscriminately. Either way works as the game’s got room for everyone.

Dayz is gritty, harsh but rewarding if you play it well.


Anyway, I feel better for playing Dayz as now I have a far better zombie apocalypse contingency plan…




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This being my first post it seems only fitting I dedicate it to my munchkins. After all they my best buddies. Both saboteurs are masters in the art  making mess and do it breathtakingly quickly. Incidentally the picture above was taken in Dublin high street last Christmas.

Hum… I’m struggling to conger up anything super interesting to say. Maybe its first post nerves? I know, I’ll work on what to say while I go make my lovely wife a cuppa…brb.

I’m back. I just made two and a half cups of Yorkshire’s finest. One for Catherine, one for myself and half for Luke. Currently Luke is snuggled up next to his mum watching Transformers – the revenge of the over used cgi effects engine… Oh, one thing you’ll notice is I wander from topic to topic allot.

Moments matter, don’t they? The reason I just made Luke half a cuppa is so he can cuddle up with mum and can spend time together. I do love letting Luke and Lilly have little liberties in the hope the memories will stick with them and when they’ve got kids of their own they’ll cast their minds back and think their old man wasn’t all that bad.

Lilly Thomas. She is imaginative, creative and head strong. She has a cheeky way about her than endears her to everyone. She is my beautiful little pickle or little P. She loves cuddling up in bed with me and watching TV, or having Sunday morning pancakes. I want her to cherish those moments and all the others we’re going to share.


Luke Thomas. I know I’m one eyed and bias but I have never met a kinder little sausage than Luke. If you give him anything, he’ll share it all with everyone. Okay, maybe not the Xbox… He is super bright and loves to laugh and play fight so much. He does relish the idea of going on adventures with me after cricket or playing Xbox games together. My kids are everything to me.


HALT!!!! Mother of god!! Catherine is ‘unloading’ the dishwasher as noisily as possible. Doesn’t she know I’m being profound?!?


Anyway… There is no possible way I can convey how much my kids mean to me ( all you parents can vouch for that). No matter what forfeit I’d need to complete to keep them safe I’d do it with the widest smile that you’d never be able to remove.

Over the next weeks and months I intend to post once a week about random stuff that interests, intrigues or infuriates me (like noise when trying…to…concentrate…)

Lastly…if you could do an immaculate impersonation of someone/thing, who would it be?

Also, I’m rather excited about co-writing a short story with a mate of mine. Take a bow Mr. David Lee Stone. If you read (I’m presuming you can?) then why not have a look at Dave’s blog yourself… (click here) http://blokecalleddave.wordpress.com/

Over and out, Matt..

PS, Catherine is about to check the lottery to see if we’re the British winner of one hundred and seven million pounds. If so it was nice talking to you and that’ll be all from me. If not, ah, you know the score. Oh yeah, before I go. I’d love to do a Wookie! When I say ‘do a Wookie’, that isn’t any reflection on my wife or devient sexual desires…just my yearning to sound like one – see earlier impersonation question