Tag Archive: extinction


Extinction.

 

chinas-panda-diplomacy-has-entered-a-lucrative-new-phase

A daft little story for you.

 

Bottom of the food chain…again.

 

“Can’t you see I’m trying to sleep here?” Said the panda, lifting its head off its bed.

 

“Wot…?” Replied the scruffy human the other side of the bars.

 

Hardly able to contain its excitement, the panda rolled itself into a sitting position, and as quickly as it could bum shuffled towards the bars.

 

For a moment the pair regarded each other with a mix of suspicion and disgust. The panda, obviously overfed, rested its paws upon its sizeable belly while contemplating the possibility this was either a cruel trick, or he, like his father and his fathers father, was about to completely loose his mind.

 

The lank haired human, however, farted then scratched its backside before sniffing its grubby fingers.

 

“Ewww.” exclaimed the panda, and unable to hide its disgust, slowly pushed itself back from the bars. The human smelt worse than it looked.

 

“Wot…?” The human repeated itself, looking rather confused.

 

“Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes! This is so cool.” The panda rocked back and forth, clapping enthusiastically. “You have no idea how dull this place can be; I mean just look at it, it’s hardly the chuffing jungle. You know the last thing I had to talk to was a bloody parrot that knew only how to…”

 

 

The panda immediately fell silent, as out the corner of its eye saw one of the a park attendants gliding slowly by.

 

 

“Got to be careful, huh? Can’t let them know we can talk or…” The panda made an exaggerated snipping motion with its digits.

 

“Not very talkative though, are you?” Said the panda as soon as the attendant had disappeared out of view, keen to start a conversation. “So where you from then friend?”

 

 

“Wot…?”

 

 

“Ha-ha, not to worry, you just had a little to much sauce on the way over here, huh?” The panda chuckled to itself, causing its stomach to wobble. “I know how it feels, I do. All I could see for days were swirling colours. Not to worry, you’ll be fine in a few.”

 

Feeling a touch hungry, the panda picked up a piece of succulent bamboo and began shredding it with his powerful jaws.

 

“Got to say thank you really, I suppose.” He said between mouthfuls. “I mean it’d be rude not to, no?”

 

“Wot…?

 

“I know, I know, I’m a talking panda and all that, but it was you guys that decided to alter our DNA, not us.”

The panda stopped for a moment and waited for a response, but when none came, he continued regardless.

“Turns out it was my great, great grandfather who was the first panda ever to speak.” He said absent-mindedly tapping himself on the chin with the stem. “Got to be honest though, I’ve no idea what on earth possessed mankind to do what he did. I mean, what else did you expect would happen? You mess to much with nature and something has to snap. Surely someone somewhere must have known things would go wrong eventually? But I bet no one saw it coming, did they?”

 

Having grown board of the talking black and white bear, the human began shuffling about its cage aimlessly. As it turned it exposed the tell-tale scar on the back of its scalp.

 

“Oh that’s just fucking marvellous.” Snapped the panda. “And when I though shit couldn’t get any worse, I get lumbered with a lobotomized, dumb as a post human.”

 

“You…” the panda heaved itself on to all fours, “it’s all your frigging fault. Sometimes I wish I couldn’t talk, or think, or dream. At least then I’d not give two shits about being locked up and having done nothing to deserve it. But no, now I’m stuck in here with only you for company and should the AI discover I can talk, then I’ll end up like cousin Waldo – missing half his brain and constantly shitting in his food trough.”

 

“Wot…” Replied the human.

 

“Oh shut up, just shut up. You know what, I’m half tempted to tell the robots you spoke to me. Sure I’ll end up eating shit, but so will you.”

Having lost his appetite, he tossed the half eaten stem to one side. “You wanna hear something bloody hilarious?” he continued “Less than a century ago my species was on the verge of extinction, but thanks to your meddling and the AI you’d created – you know, the AI that finally grew tired of your wanton destruction  – it now looks likely my kind are going to out live you. Yeah, you heard me right, a fucking grass eating bear will out live you lot. HA!”

Despondent, the panda waddled back to its bed and slumped down. “Last count their was over eight hundred pandas world wide, some of which had been released back into the wild. But as for you, well, their are only six of you left.”

 

“Wot…?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Golden age.

evolution-of-man

While the title of this blog might have you thinking this’ll be some science fiction romp, sadly it isn’t.

Initially I intended to call this blog ‘The futility of faith’, but I decided against it. The change of mind had nothing to do with a fear of challenging religion, no, but everything to do with knowing it’d take me waaaay off topic – believe me I need no encouragement to loose focus.

Evolution has always fascinated me and after recently talking about it a great deal with a work mate, it got me thinking again. Off the back of my reignited interest, I’ve been reading and watching plenty of documentaries on the subject.

** Please note this is not a scientific piece, it’s nothing more than my ham-fisted grasp on evolution.

Golden age.

What do I mean by the golden age? I’m referring to mankind’s golden age and I’d argue we’re living it now. Does evolution stop or simply slow down when you know what to look for regarding devolve, or will not be able to see any change until long after it’s happened? Incidentally, If anyone reading this and knows of any recorded genetic variations within the our own DNA that’s considered the precursor to variation, then please tell as I’d love to read about it. Hum, that statement might be dafter than I presume given the time it takes for evolution to begin.

Told you I drift off topic, didn’t I?

I suppose some congratulations should be extended towards mankind for surviving this long and getting us where we are today. It’s all our own doing, right? Well, no, not really. I don’t think we can take too much credit for incremental variation, selection of the fittest and eventual evolution – although to do so would be ever-so human. By definition by being here then whatever changes we carry in our DNA had to have been successful? That I’m pretty sure is a loose definition of evolution?

So, I surmise that for whatever reason, biological, environmental or whatever, (I’d really love to know the key factors in what kick starts evolution) we won the evolutionary race to take over from the dominant species of the time. I’d even be so bold as to presume that mankind is likely to be the most successful species to have inhabited the earth. Kind of goes without saying given we’ve yet to unearth any evidence to the contrary.

One – nil to mankind. Get in!

So we sit atop the food chain, lords over all we perceive. 2 – nil, right? Well, maybe not. Okay, while our position of dominance is solid, given we’re adept at hunting prey and potential predators into extinction, I truly feel sure (could be wrong) that time is against us. The ‘end’ could come as an environmental disaster, meteor impact, biological super virus, or even (leaning heavily towards this option) we might mess things up ourselves. Personally I doubt it if we’re robust enough of a species to survive much of a catastrophe unscathed or otherwise. Especially given mother natures taste for brutality. If we are to survive then I imagine we’ll be taking a few steps backwards?

Call it a draw? 1 – 1…ahem.

Hominids, however, have managed to survive adversity in the past. I’m pretty sure Neanderthal man lived through at least one ice age that saw an end to countless apex predators and other established species. Okay, he was way more adept at survival than we are but surely having the most sophisticated organ in the known universe (our brain) has to count for something, right?

I’d like to say yes but imagine at best we’d most certainly devolve, loose mass, reduce brain size in order to conserve energy and survive, at worst we’d perish completely.

All sound’s a bit grim, right?

While trying unsuccessfully to sleep last night I got to thinking how could we preserve our knowledge should something devastating occur. We need something permanent in which to record our discoveries, but nothing lasts forever. How then do we? Do we launch probes into space on a thousand year return cycle? Litter the planet with data bases to be plundered in the future? Truth is I don’t reliably think we could. And even if we’re able who’s to say the next species of hominid will evolve like we have? That evolutionary variant might deem eyes and ears obsolete and instead communicate via pheromones. Okay, I’m drifting again but unless the devolution was but a small step and luck was on our side then maybe we’d recover. To be honest the ‘live happily ever after’ notion belongs in Hollywood. I suppose the cold truth would be if we die out then we’ve been found wanting and a non successful species.

Failing that we could just pray, I suppose. Oh wait, I’m not religious…I’m fu**ed!

Matt..